According to the dictionary, curling is a Scottish game played on ice, in which two four-person teams slide heavy, oblate stones toward a fixed mark in the centre of a circle at either end. How well this is done depends on a number of variables such as the weight at which the rock is thrown, the debris on the ice and the amount and quality of sweeping done, the eyesight of the person delivering the rock and the ability of the skip, or leader, to judge where the rock will be when it has arrived. There is, however, no research that I'm aware of that deals with such variables as wind, tides, relative humidity, colour of rocks or uniforms of opposing teams, to name a few.

Let me discuss for a moment the influences of wind on the outcome of a curling match. All games are played in indoor facilities and should be reasonably immune from gusts of wind. We have found that, in the course of a twelve game draw forty percent of the games we lost, that wind was a major factor in these losses. There can be no other explanation. The rock went sailing down the ice at a far too high rate of speed - tail wind! Just as the rock reached the foreboding hog-line it stopped - head wind! The unpredictable cross winds have taken many of our rocks and shoved them off course causing them to crash into our own and remove them from scoring position.

Tides have a similar influence. I suppose this is related to altitude but since we live in flat country I won't introduce that particular variable. Gravitational pull is determined by the phases of the moon and its position relative to the sun. We know that twenty-five percent of our games were lost due to tides. There is absolutely no question that when the moon and the sun are in alignment, nothing reaches the other end of the ice or contrarily, it gets there too quickly and keeps on going. It is very clear that the pull of the moon and sun in concert has forced our accurately and skilfully thrown rocks to either fall short of the target or pass it by on its way to the end boards.

There is also considerable evidence somewhere that links the relative humidity of the rink environment with the performance of the curlers. We all know that wet ice does one thing to the rock while dry ice does another. What I mean by relative humidity is amount of liquid taken prior to the game by my brother-in-law on the team. There is no doubt in my mind that ten percent of our games were unsuccessful due to high humidity in my relative.

There is a large body of evidence that relates colour to performance at work, in the home and even in the bedroom. There is, as far as I know, no definitive study on the relationship of the colours of the handles on the stones and their ability to travel successfully to the appointed target. Following extensive research in which I discounted any superstition related to colour, I have learned that when we curl with the red handled stones, we can win more ends than if we use blue handled stones. Why do we have such a losing record then? The body of evidence from which I drew the above conclusion is tarnished by the reality that red oxidizes more quickly than blue and we all know that oxygen has weight. Now when we curl with the red stones we must make adjustments to the speed of the rock that is proportionate to the speed of oxidation for the evening. This can prove to be tricky because if the wind is too high the process of oxidation is retarded.

By switching to the blue stones we encountered the problem of blue being a heavier colour than red and they produce inconsistencies in draw weight. In the most recent study of the colour problem, I found that the company had affixed little stickers to the rocks so that the lead, second, third and skip rocks could be easily identified for statistical purposes. This is the real problem. Some person has removed some of the stickers. It is no wonder that we lost a further ten percent of our games.

The final influence is nothing more than pure brute psychology. We've lost the balance of our games, save one, because the opposing team showed up in colour co-ordinated, fashion plate uniforms. All four players had their names imprinted on the back of their jackets or sweaters. Brooks, Adidas and Nike must be awfully big closely-knit families. They curl as a team all dressed up in their family shirts. What chance have we got? The only thing that's uniform about our team is we all show up dressed to keep the chill away as we watch our one point lead slip away into oblivion. I've spent a considerable amount of time telling you why we haven't won games this year. I could give you an excuse such as, all my team are first year curlers, but I wouldn't like you to think that we would hide behind such a facade. I do want to leave you with one positive aspect of my study.

The one win we did record was due to a set of favorable influences. You may be thinking that the sun and moon finally lined up just right, or the wind died down as play began, or my relative was dry, or the rocks changed colour. Fortunately none of these came into play. The one and only influence was that the other team failed to show up at the appointed time. Now if only all the other teams would be as co-operative!